Brave and Strong but Broken

Gosh, I haven’t blogged in a while.  I guess I haven’t needed to.  Believe me, I’ve wanted to.  I’ve thought about it over a dozen times.

I’ve wanted to share how grief does evolve and you really start to feel ok.  But, when I would sit down to write such an uplifting post,  it just seemed like another chore to get done.

But, in my defense of not writing about the “good,”  life has been moving at warp speed and in the last 6 months I quite honestly have felt better emotionally than I have in 3 1/2 years.

That is saying a lot.  I feel fortunate I can say that.  Many in my situation can’t.  Or never will.  So, saying “I’m ok…I’m getting emotionally stronger” has been amazing and blogging about it seemed like a good idea but when I’d head here, it felt like going back to the grave…going back to what hurt and why this blog started.

So….thinking about it made me pause.  And made me appreciate it.  Made me realize I needed to live in it – not write about it.  Or at least that is how I justified not writing about it.

But, I’m here 6 months later.  All I can say is the last few days…ugh.

I can’t say it enough how grief is like a brick being thrown through your window.  You have no idea its coming, you’re totally and completely surprised and you have no idea how to fix it in the moment.

And you think you were going along so well – what happened for this brick to come flying at you right now?

So you stand it – live it – breathe it.  Because you have to.  You  know this.   And you hope tomorrow is the day you wake up to it gone because it very well could be.

But during its stay, you also find yourself evaluate your entire life  – up, down and inside out and mull over every past mistake and anything that’s ever broken in your life and think about it all.  Wonder how you got here.  How did it all happen? Where does it go from here?

But then beyond all that stuff you also start to psycho analyze the grief itself.

Really, come on…I’ve been doing fabulous, so you wonder… Is it really grief or is it the weather?  Is it my migraine I’ve been carrying for two days? Is it these 40 something hormones (that truly suck)?  Is it your teenager with an attitude?  Is it work?  Is it having to cook dinner which you don’t want to do?  Is it all of it?

I’m guessing this is all grief.  And its not comfy.  It’s not fun and it sucks ass but you know you have to patiently wait for it to pass. Because it will.

BUT…you don’t have to like it.  You see, when you’ve been handling grief like Rocky and winning at every turn (or at least feeling that way), you don’t like this dark place anymore.   You don’t like who you become in this moment wallowing in self-doubt, anger and frustration for what you could never control in the first place…LIFE.

But this is the twists, turns, ups and downs of grief.

But, while this post could be all doom and gloom, I know I need to find the positive.  Be proud of how far I’ve come.  For example, yesterday, at work, I had to introduce myself to my team – give them 5 facts about me they would have otherwise not known. It is my chance and opportunity to openly share about my family of 5, my advocacy work, what we do for fun and my hobbies.    Last week, I was super pumped to do this.  But yesterday…who knew what would hit.  I didn’t feel ready anymore.

But, my slide was already done and in the presentation so I did it.  Even though my eyes wanted to well with tears I stayed strong and shared my girl loud and proud.  Told them how I am open and always willing to help others with special needs, epilepsy and finally, the awkwardness of grieving.

Afterward, I received 2 emails and 3 instant messages from coworkers.  A few stated they had tears while I talked.  One who had lost a child too and wanted to connect.  And several who were just proud to be working with me and moved by my efforts.

So…that helped reaffirm that even in the darkest of days I can be ok.  That I am ok.  I can muddle through it and still look like I’m doing ok.

But, I understand that probably for the rest of my life I’ll have “these days”.  That proverbial brick thrown into my window that I’ll stop, stare and figure out what to do with next.  And rebuild the broken window once again.  Hoping each time I can do it quicker than the last.

I’ll continue to work through it and share it knowing that feeling it…is also healing it.




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