10 years

To my sweet girl….

I knew you were my girl at the 20 week ultrasound.  December 4, 2006 to be exact.  On that cold, dark evening Daddy and I went to the appointment after work.  I remember the tech so clearly telling us it was you…our sweet pea.

Little did I know who you would truly become in this lifetime.  My challenge, my teacher, my joy, my pride, part of my everything, who would show me how to be the best mom I could have ever imagined to be.

YOU would show ME the way in this world…the right way.

You would show me perspective.

You would show me to not sweat the small stuff.

You would show me how to fight for what we needed and wanted.

You would show me how to be independent and rely on myself and my gut.

You would show me more than any textbook, self-help book, or any classroom could ever teach.

You showed me what it was like to have unconditional love.  TRUE LOVE.

As I type this I find it hard to believe it has been 10 years since I first held you in my arms.  My sweet pea, as Daddy nicknamed you, who had a bruised lip from those impacted teeth and rarely cried when you were born.

As you know, birthdays were never easy when you were here.  But, in normal Sally style, I’d throw a big party with lots of friends and family so I didn’t dwell on what you weren’t accomplishing or how different you were from kids your own age.

Because all those people who came to celebrate would tell me how GREAT you were and remind me of what a gift you were to them and the world. Throughout the day they reminded me of how far you’d come.

And they were right.  You struggled for every milestone – any and all of it.  And through that struggle I was blessed.   Even amidst all the challenges.

But….10 years.  What would you be like? What would we be trying to accomplish?  How would you like your special needs school you would have been at for 2 1/2 years now?  All questions.  No answers.

As I navigate through everyday life I often always find myself wondering what it would be like if you were here.  When your pre-teen of a brother is copping attitude or testing the waters of independence and I’m ready to pull my hair out I wonder “would he be doing this if you were here?”

When something goes sour in my life I wonder “would this have happened if she were here?”  I wonder what life would have been like had you been able to stay alive.

I think I’ll always wonder.

What I don’t wonder about is my love for you.  It may be stronger than ever.  And I’ll never forget when it started from the first time 10 long years ago I held you in my arms with the happiest of hearts and the biggest of smiles.

But, 10 years seems a lifetime ago now that you are gone.   And I dread, absolutely dread each year that follows.

Single digits was easier, more comprehensible.  10 years – well that’s just adding on to the length of time.  Time hurts.  Time reminds me your gone.

I’d like to think you are having a blast on your birthday in heaven.  I’d like to think you’ve grabbed my Pop for a dance or two as he raves about his own daughter and the daughter she raised.  He was always a cheerleader.  One to tell you how beautiful you are. I’m sure he’s telling you over and over again how long your lashes are around your big, beautiful eyes.

When you died and I sang to you alongside your bed one last time and I thought I heard you…I thought I heard a little voice that said “Please don’t cry mommy, I’m the best I’ve ever been.”

And I’d like to believe it’s true.  That you ARE the best you’ve ever been.

Happy.  Safe.  Loved and free from every pain you endured here on earth.

But even with all those wonderful thoughts of how great I think life is for you it doesn’t make it any easier without you here.  Most days people would never know the pain I carry with me.  I’ve come to hide it well.

But, I’ll never stop educating. Sharing and talking about you.  You are my sweet girl who if I close eyes really tight I can feel the touch of your soft hair, your dry skin on your hands or your soft, supple cheeks.

I love you Lydia Lu.  Always and forever you will be my daughter.  My greatest teacher. My champion.  And I am so extremely proud of what you did here on earth and the legacy you leave behind.

Happy 10th birthday sweet pea….keep watching over us.  Now and until we see each other again.  XXXOO

Mommy

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